Change Factors in Healing
Categorised in: Professional Resources
The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. The initial step to change is the admission that life is not going well and the desire to do something about it. For people stuck in a negative cycle of abuse, it is difficult for them to differentiate between positive changes and negative ones. What may seem obviously unsafe to a therapist may seem normal or safe to the client. Help them explore options and formulate choices that are beneficial for all parts of their system.
Denial plays an important role in this confusion. It has been said that denial of conflict is the root of dissociation. As long as denial is entrenched, healthy changes will be blocked from actualization. Denial is not the adversary, but a necessary survival mechanism. It is also the glue that seems to hold dissociative walls in place. Denial needs to be addressed from the beginning of counseling, and often continually until the end of the entire journey. Simply maintaining cognitively what you see as reality and pushing the survivor to accept it will be counter-productive. Truth will only produce changes when the heart and mind are in agreement with those changes.
Gently speak to the denial part/s of their system, validate the need of it for a time, then try to get cooperation in considering alternative courses. If you can keep the denial portions on board, as you work with the more wounded alters, then the effort will have greater impact and lasting effects. If you do not make the denial parts allies, you may find that many of your interventions will not last. Counseling can go on for months with progress seeming to be made in the office, only to be forgotten right after leaving. If possible, you can ask major denial parts to “stay present” or co-conscious and listen in, while you work with the presenting wounded alters. Once denial feels safe enough and strong enough to look at painful memories, progress will be more effectual.
Denial is also important to help the client function in everyday life.
If there is too much memory work done too quickly or incorporated while still somewhat contaminated, the client can feel overwhelmed and regress.
Listen to their cues and find out why they feel overwhelmed or are going into strong denial of the pain. In the original memories the child was unqualified to deal with the situation and was truly overwhelmed. That memory was “frozen” in time along with the accompanying affect. So the feelings are accurate for that time, but not the survivors’ complete present reality. See Recognizing and Restoring the Severely Abused: Dissociative Identity Disorder: Psychological Dynamics Vol. I by Tom Hawkins or visit www.rcm-usa.org for further insights. Encourage the survivor to use their present strength and resources. Have alters cooperate with each other and build ego-strength. Honest positive affirmations verbalized regularly by the therapist and for the client to articulate or meditate on, may be helpful.
Severe psychological conflict produced the apparent reason for the need to dissociate in the first place. For example, if something happens that threatens the survival instincts of a young or pre-born child, so that it seems impossible to continue, that will produce severe conflict. The need to survive and the feeling that they cannot survive are opposing views. Since they cannot be reconciled by the immature brain, denial of reality is an obvious choice.
Another common intolerable conflict would come if the child was abused by their parent. They need to attach to the parent as the source of care, yet the reality is that this parent is being cruel and hurts the child. The unbearable conflict of the reality that “my parent may kill me,” and the denial side that, “I am totally dependent upon my parents” and “parents love their children” can result in splitting.
The unbearable conflict of the reality that “my parent may kill me,” and the denial side that, “I am totally dependent upon my parents” and “parents love their children” can result in splitting.
Dr. Tom and Diane Hawkins teach that examining the beliefs behind the intolerable psychological conflicts and correcting them makes processing the trauma more tolerable. It also weakens the walls of dissociation since there is no need to protect the Original Person from knowledge of the event. When facing the conflict, the question to ask is: “What would it mean if this (the intolerable conflict being denied) is true? When you arrive at the belief, examine it to see if it aligns with truth. If the client can hear from God, ask God to speak his truth to them.
Usually, the harder one perspective is pushed; the stronger the opposing internal position will retaliate, escalating conflict. When conflicting views are firmly held, be careful to acknowledge both sides. For example, in Satanic Ritual Abuse situation systems, the cult-loyal alter tries just as hard to protect the survivor as the Bible-believing, churchgoing alters. So do not take sides, but respectfully affirm all parts of the person. Sometimes it may take careful discernment to differentiate between an alter and a demon, because the alters may even believe they are demons. You cannot “cast out” or do deliverance of a part of the person’s humanity, you can severely wound them by trying. Caution is in order here, preferably with confirmation from a discerning intercessor. We will cover this in more depth in future articles.
It is so heartbreaking when you first encounter ritual abuse in a client. This may mean that the severity of abuse and complexity of their internal system is greater. The therapist can deduce that there will be demonization and usually generational dynamics allowing legal rights for demonization. Programming can set up many roadblocks: triggers to self-destruct, not remember, quit, or threats and backlash for continuing in therapy. The more cooperation that can be attained between the Original Person and cult loyal parts, the more easily the programming can be defused. Mind-control programming though, is basically a belief system put in place during severe trauma. By using prayer, discernment from the Holy Spirit, and a good therapeutic alliance, progress can be made, but it may be slow.
Fear is a major roadblock to change. Negative expectations can set the client up for failure. Fear can keep them stuck in a dysfunctional cycle that usually spirals downward. The feeling of being overwhelmed may signal that memory work is going too fast or something is destabilizing the system internally or externally. Look for the root of the belief. The wounded client may be hypersensitive to the slightest negative emotion coming from others. Look for judgments and bitter roots in the individual. Inner vows are especially resistant to change. They are like a train on an invisible track that is incapable of turning to the left or right, no matter how hard it tries. See Basic Healing Concepts” 1, 2, & 3. These may be pointed out, examined in light of the truth and renounced when they come up. Foundational trust issues should be addressed regularly. Developing a trusting alliance takes great time and intentionality.
Positive changes will rarely happen without a safe environment.
Positive changes will rarely happen without a safe environment. See the article on “Assessing Safety Needs”. Timing is a factor in the willingness and readiness to change. I once explained the possibility of a dissociative disorder to a woman, hoping she would seek help. She had recently delivered her fifth child and felt too frantic to even consider pursuing her own healing. Often survivors have to see their old coping mechanism breaking down before they are willing to look for alternatives. If it’s working, why bother to fix it?
Just a cry for help may not mean that they are ready and willing to change. There needs to be a strong motivation to carry them through the pain of memory work.
Just a cry for help may not mean that they are ready and willing to change. There needs to be a strong motivation to carry them through the pain of memory work. If the ego strength and support systems are weak, then those might be an important focus at the onset. Even the realization of the need for help will have an opposing belief of the importance of maintaining the internal and external status quo. Count on it and address both issues as they surface.
Change is a process. The saying “two steps forward, three steps back,” feels true for those on the healing journey. This sounds daunting to the abuse victim who may believe the pain will never end. They need a mature mentor to teach them to manage their emotions rather than be enslaved to them. Growth does take a huge investment of time and great effort. God never promised to take all the wrestling and complexity away. He does promise to walk with us through the dark valleys and we will find him sufficient.
The process of change involves brokenness, weakness and surrender. The victim of abuse already feels this way but responds by externalized anger or self-hatred. The biblical path allows for choice and responsibility but bids us come to our Heavenly Father for protection and life. This is well explained in The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender.
If the client has judged an abusive Dad, then they will view God similarly to Dad and will have a difficult time trusting him. They should see these judgments, understand the biblical definition of forgiveness, and apply it to Dad, God and themselves. This will remove some of the walls that keep them from hearing and receiving from God. They also require the modeling of trustworthiness in the therapeutic relationship. They need unconditional love demonstrated in many areas, preferably by a support network of safe, caring people. The mentors should truly believe in the client’s potential for change and their inherent value, to model the confidence needed to heal. As counselors, it is wise to be continually drawing our faith and resources from the source of power, love and healing, the Wonderful Counselor.
Do not overlook prayer as it is the most powerful tool, offensive weapon and method of building up the survivor. Their spirits need to be strengthened to bring about healing of the entire person. Time spent in individual praise and worship, speaking encouraging verses out loud, praise music and blessings all build up the personal spirit. Blessing Your Spirit by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burk is a great resource. As you walk with your client on their healing journey it is heartening to remember that God never changes. He is faithful and true and his desires to change us into the image of Jesus will progress as long as we walk forward in trust. Keep an eternal focus in mind as you encourage others through the constant shifting, changing passageways of life.